Grinsomnia (a poem for pedagogues)

gotta grit my teeth before words before
these shores of no speaka da eengleesh,
silences worthy of gangsters in movies,
you see you know like what i mean-
or so it seems from these
eighteen eighteenagers
and their masteries of love, god, the
intricacies of euthanasia and sledgehammer suicides
in outlandish clothes and an utter lack of
past the ends of their noses,

all the while slipping in

tongues.

Friday the 13th

It's Friday the 13th. If it was summer and I were back at home, I might be in Port Dover at one of the biggest motorcycle rallies in North America. I wonder if there were some hardy cyclists out in Dover for this one?

I forgot to report back on The History Boys (which I think is now in theatres) last weekend - and I forgot that it was Thanksgiving at home. On the play first: I really enjoyed it. It is very British and I'm not sure how well it would translate across the pond to be honest. The ending is highly problematic, in many ways, as is Bennett's treatment of women throughout. It feels very rushed and slightly tacked-on. There are I suppose, two endings really: one for the main plot and one that ties up the several sub-plots at once. Neither are particularly good and both feel like cop-outs on Bennett's part. I'll leave it there in case anyone wants to see it - or read the script.

Thanksgiving dinner ex-pat-styles was delicious. And entirely vegetarian. And there was pie left over when I got there. By his own admission, Nasser did not win the pie-off...his pastry was a bit rushed and not quite done on the bottom. I liked his best though cause the pumpkin bit was perfect. And I am thankful for too many things to list but mostly friends and family, near and far (mostly far right now but Christmas is coming!).

Laila is doing really very well - she's up and playing with a ball of wool now and loves being cuddled. Her eyes have cleared up but the spot on her right eye hasn't faded. She might have lost some vision there but it doesn't seem to bother her. Logan is showing off whenever he sees her, generally affecting to take no notice but watching her intently when he thinks no one is looking. Laila is still Queen of the Loo though and very shy about coming out into the hallway. I guess she's only been here for a week - the better part of which was spent recovering from her ordeal on the streets.

And we've booked our tickets home for Christmas! I can't believe how expensive flights are this year. But I suppose they've got us over a barrel - it's not like we've got alternative transportation available. Though we're both keen to take the boat once, just for the experience. I don't think Logan and Laila would enjoy it particularly though! And I suppose aeroplanes are massive polluters and a luxury that we shouldn't take too much for granted...(and we didn't pay for the tickets anyway...thanks grandma, papa, mum, and dad! Someday we will have real jobs and be millionaires and shower you with expensive but tasteful and environmentally sound gifts).

Shameless cute pics...

Presenting Laila Rae Monkeybutt!

She cleaned up pretty well. Logan's been really quite good about her occupying the bathroom as well. Hopefully they will get along when she's bigger and can come out and play.

Note: the toothbrush is for purposes of scale. She's that small.

Round one to Laila!

After peeing all over her bedding the last two nights, Laila has decided that the litter tray is more lady-like. She did poop behind the loo - but she pooped, twice! Getting all those worms out at least. She's purring when Nas skritches under her chin too. And she's eating like a champ. She's not out of it yet but it's looking good right now!

Library was dull but now I'm off to Bradford to see The History Boys by Alan Bennett. Hopefully there will be pie left at the Thanksgiving dinner when I arrive...

And yes, she is named after Laila Ali.

Whiskers on kittens

are normally one of my favourite things.

Which is why when Nas called me yesterday while I was in my office to say that a kitten had washed up with the rain outside our door, I rushed home.

This Kitten, however, was not a happy one. As soon as Nas put her down in the house (after rescuing her from the wheel-well of our neighbour's car - and being bitten for his efforts), she bolted behind the stove, under the cupboards, and crawled around our L-shaped cupboards to the furthest corner she could reach. The one that we couldn't get to or see no way no how. We pulled out the stove, the washing machine...thought about pulling apart the cupboard until we realised it was likely structural. Or at least built so badly that there was no way of telling which board would pull the whole thing down. So after much anxious fretting on my part and calmness on Nasser's, we put some food and water in the cupboard, shut the door cause Logan was very curious and left the kitten to find her own way out. I went swimming cause I couldn't take the waiting.

This morning, she was behind the fridge. Now she's in Logan's cat-box (permission obtained). She's a sorry little thing. We thought at first that she must be lost but now we think she's likely been left. She's calico with white feet and a white nose but dirty and a little smelly. And she has a weepy eye and a cough. But she's eating and drinking and has used Logan's litter box (no permission sought!).

Nasser has forbidden me to name her.

This afternoon she is going to the veterinarian and we are going to try and find her a home. Preferably not this home - but who can tell. Perhaps we can hold an online poll for names. In the meantime, to warm your September-chilled hearts, check out the much loved and linked-to Kittenwar.

UPDATE: Her name is Laila and she has taken over our bathroom for the right now...she's definitely a stray (I officially hate all people who don't spay or neuter their pets - may dreams filled with a scantilly clad Bob Barker haunt you eternally) and she has Feline Herpes, Cat Flu, fleas like you've never seen, and worms. She's also anemic... So £45 later, she's flea-free, on her way to being worm free, and on penicillin. She also smells much better - in panic, she pooped and peed all over the carrier on the way to the vet. Logan's been vaccinated against cat flu but she's still in quarantine.

Just like all those birds I brought home, mum! By the time I'm 60 I'll be finding stray horses on my door or something...

One of those days

Yesterday was one of those days...specifically, one of those days when I wished with almost all of my heart that I had just gone to law school after Queen's. And y'know, I wasn't thinking that if I'd done that right now I'd be wildly successful, internationally profiled, and fabulously wealthy. I was, quite honestly, daydreaming about how, if I'd gone to law school right out of Queen's, I'd be breaking even. Sadly, at the tender age of 29, my dreams have diminished from private jets, designer clothing, and a hand-bag for every day of the year to just not having to worry about buying a pair of new jeans when my old ones have fallen apart, and I'm still wearing them cause they're the only casual trousers I have, even though people start asking me if I want to sell The Big Issue rather than buy it.

How is it possible that I work three part time jobs and Nasser works two and we're broke?

And then, of course, I realise that we're not broke - don't worry mum! - and that I am living my dream anyway. I just didn't, when I dreamt it, remember to dream about the financial end... So we can't afford gym memberships at Virgin Fitness and the Gap is about as high as our street goes. We've got a full larder and fridge, enough books to keep us almost entirely happy, and digital TV.

In one of those bizarre packages that can only make sense in the coporate world it is cheaper for us to have digital telly, phone, and 2Mb broadband than just to have 1Mb broadband and phone. Hey Frasier is on, I'm not complaining.

Autumn not fall

September was, officially, the craziest month of the past few years. Glad it's over but a little concerned to find that it is October already. Which leaves only two very short months and a couple even-shorter weeks until Christmas...aiyee!! Sorry, that's still the C-word until at least after American Thanksgiving.

Our road trip was fantastic - our fabulous driver made it the whole way there and back in wonderful humour. The way there was lovely - Wiltshire is really beautiful countryside. And Longleat is stunning. I don't think I would ever get over looking out of my front windows at the beautiful, perfectly Platonically English landscape and seeing a rhinocerus contentedly munching the lawn. In the hunting gallery we also saw the doublet Charles I wore at his execution - complete with bloodstains around the neck...macabre, yes. But as I'm teaching Civil War and Restoration Literature this term, I thought it a good omen! The same room, the 'hunting gallery', also housed two prehistoric Irish Elk skulls with horns. Another example of Nature's twisted sense of humour.

We saw Stonehenge (from the road - £5 to get 10 feet closer?!):


And then went to Old Sarum and had delicious pub grub in Salisbury. We did miss the cathedral as it was nearly dark - very impressive spire though. As everyone who knows me understands, I am food-centred: I remember things by associating them with tastes. Now, Salisbury will always be evoked by a really nice venison steak. And mushrooms. Really good mushrooms.

And now, here we are, back in Leeds. Thanksgiving is coming up - another ex-pat dinner to look forward to. Nasser is making the pumpkin pie; in Canada, this is a fairly simple procedure thanks to the invention of canned pumpkin. Last year, when we hosted the ex-pats, we looked high and low at every grocery store within walking distance for such a thing. None to be found. So Nas, brilliant cook that he is, found a recipe and made it from scratch with fresh pumpkin. It was the best pumpkin pie we had ever tasted. Well, Jeff and I, the two other Canadians, thought so. And we are experts. My humble offering was maple whipping cream to top the pies.

My two classes really impressed me in our first seminar gathering - very talkative and enthusiastic. I'm really quite looking forward to the classes. Research and writing are also going well - must be the weather! I'd hate to think I was actually beginning to get the hang of this...

post road trip blues

having sucessfully travelled hundreds of miles along the M1 (with frequent and luxurious rest stops/bathroom trips/coffee breaks) we have arrived back in Leeds, flush with the joys of outdoor sleeping and much rambling about an Aristocratic English Estate, where we feasted our eyes upon a whole spectrum of exotic animals and valuable furnishings.

E and P (a boy/girlfriend duo) were our company, and E drove the distance, while P and Kales fell asleep in the back seat. i rode shotgun on the way up, bothering everyone with my choice of music. (who among you has a favorite road trip mixtape? can i get your playlists?)

i cannot resist those vending machine toys that you find at roadside stops - the red monster truck above is the fruit of my obsession. i also earned one of those joke telescopes that leaves a black ring around your eye if you are so gullible as to hold it to your face. (many years ago, i was obsessed with Kinder-egg toys, until the day i looked at my bureau and thought, 'all that stuff has cost me seventy dollars. i could buy lots of better things for seventy dollars.' and the mighty collection went to charity)

we camped in what wasn't much more than a grassy parking lot. but after Leeds and London and Toronto this month, it felt like the top of Kilimanjaro. the ground was hard, and the mornings were cold enough to make getting up to pee a debatable issue - a perfect, bracing start to any day!

many inane games were played and much of the conversation revolved around bodily functions - and it was an absolutely fantastic road trip which i am sad to asy has ended. now, it's work work work until the fat guy in the red suit tells me it's time to go home.

LONGLEAT!!

ROAD TRIP! Finally - out of Leeds - a 'summer' vacation! I love Leeds but I've never lived in a city this big without access to a car that can get me out of the city when I needed it. Since we've lived in Britain, we've never taken a road trip - neither of us have taken the risk of getting behind the wheel here! Very very very exciting... We're going down to Longleat, the manorial seat of the 7th Marquis of Bath (pronounced mar-quess) in Wiltshire between Bath and Salisbury. Not on a private invite alas...as with most of these ancient titles and properties, the land has been converted into public amusements. In this case, a safari park...oh yeah.

all work and no play...

Very very dull. I didn't finish my work so I can't play. So Nasser has taken my place in London welcoming Marina... I'm bitter and jealous. But I'm also writing a brilliant section for my fifth chapter - if I do say so myself. And it's Thursday night BBC comedy: Extras with David Bowie and now, That Mitchell and Webb Look. If you can, over there yonder, check them out. Especially the latter. So half an hour break, yes?

It was my mummy's birthday yesterday - and she had a crappy day involving the water softener exploding... no way to spend a birthday. But I think we made it better with our brilliant rendition of 'Happy Birthday'. I hope she kept it on the answering machine. I'm sure it would cheer anyone up any day.

Starting at the uni library on Saturday - Nas gets to spend an extra day in London - and tomorrow night I'm going to keep a friend company. She has three little ones under 3... every time I go I'm glad I have Logan instead. Sorry to all with children - I love all of your children. I especially love leaving them with you.

Numberwang!

out on the weekend

Yesterday was really our first Sunday without The Restaurant or any insane emotional episodes or stress. So we had a perfect day...But I'm getting ahead of myself cause we really did have a rather good weekend.

Friday night my department hosted a welcome-do for new faculty and invited us lowly PGs along. Free food and wine - in other words, there were a lot of us there. Unfortunately as I was upstairs in the cluster agonizing over the title for a paper the abstract of which I was in the process of sending, I missed most of the food. But luckily, the wine was still flowing. Several hours later, having judged enough of the wine to have been drunk to justify us leaving a free wine zone, we trooped off to a pub to continue the evening (even more) informally. Then, for reasons that definitely escape me now, we decided it was indeed a wonderful idea to go back to G's to continue the discussion (I forget now what it was!) accompanied by gin. Gin, while it may in some ways resemble love, is simply never a good idea. It was good gin (thanks Edel!) but any gin, I've decided, poured by someone already half in the bag, is not a good idea.

Thus Saturday morning was a bit fuzzy. My gardening mate got me up off the couch in the afternoon and we went up to garden - tomatoes everywhere! And still mountains of salad. We pulled up the courgettes, which were looking a bit dusty and spidery, and the dwarf beans, which were likewise a bit tired. They had served us well. Our pumpkins, alas, will definitely not be ready for Thanksgiving and the great pie bake-off (more of which later I'm sure). Nas meanwhile got to play golf with another G (score: 100). We all met up at ours - Logan was delighted with the company - had tea, a bottle of wine, and psyched ourselves up for...

Send More Paramedics.

Fan-bloody-tastic. And I can't honestly say that zombie-core is my kind of music. I can't honestly say that I could tell the difference between the songs. But the band was amazing - the crowd loved it. I won't give away our friend's name or mild-mannered alter-ego though...

Sunday: finally someone made us lunch! And G and I again destroyed the boys in euchre. We were later the losers in Kub in the park. That evening, we even went to see a film. How perfectly Sunday. It was A Scanner Darkly. It was interesting. I was supposed to go and see it last week with friends but missed it then - I'm not sure how I felt. It was very strange. My friend who is much more expert with sci-fi/fantasy than I did mention that it was quite close to the original story by Philip K. Dick. I'll have to give it more thought.

And that was the weekend. Today I was at the library at 9am for more training...I think I get it. I've only been working in libraries for three years! Our friend is moving to London this week - I'm going to down welcome her. Just learned that it's London fashion week though...ugh...

alles Gute zum Geburtstag!

It's my grandmother's birthday today - I wish we were closer. I wish I could give her an enormous hug and kiss and say 'happy birthday' to her, rather than over the phone. But I can't. And I know she will say that's okay and that I should worry about me and finishing my work - and that she doesn't like birthdays anyways cause they just remind her how old she is.

A few things I should point out:

• my grandmother is beautiful
• my grandmother's life-story is amazing
  
• my grandmother is the wisest, most generous, kindest and most courageous woman I know

It's possible that everyone thinks exactly the same thing about their grandmothers. I don't know them - but it's the truth about mine. I suppose it's a fairly cliched part of growing up that people who existed only as 'grandmother' suddenly and sometimes alarmingly become whole individuals with their own lives - most of which had nothing to do with me. I am constantly humbled by my grandmother's love - which is nearly a palpable thing: as secure as her lap and as encompassing as her arms. I don't know how I earned it but it always comforts me when I doubt myself and what I'm doing 5,000kms away from her.

Happy birthday Grandma!

without a doubt the most interesting post here, ever

Kaley is going to a training session today for her new job at the library. having a librarian in your pocket is a very handy thing, i think. now i can be loose with return dates and flagrantly check out more than my allotted share of knowledge, secure in the fact that my baby will erase all trace of my misdeeds (sinister chuckles).

i am going to press my shirt and make someone hire me today.

(and awaaaaaay we go!)

It's all right...

...my baby's coming back.

Is it strange to read this blog and have to figure out who is writing? Then again, I don't think we are easily mistaken for each other...even virtually.

Nas is coming home to Logan and I! We were getting sick of each other anyway. He actually slept on the chair in our bedroom instead of curled up next to me last night. I think it was payback for not letting him play with Lafonda, the neighbour's cat. We keep telling him that she's no good - but does he listen? Well, he's had his little operation anyway, so 'friends' it shall only and ever be.

There is nothing Nas deserved more than a weekend in T.O. with his best friends - especially as Nik is getting married at the end of September and we can't be there. But I will try to make home sound a bit exciting - Send More Paramedics show at our local on the weekend (our friend's zombiecore band), euchre night cause Eric's in town, and finally, of course...ROAD TRIP! I know it's not the same - but think of it as a postponement: we'll be home for Christmas.

Said goodbye to another friend last night - really must put an end to this! She's off to Spain and a teaching post. Too many faces missing in the crowd these days. I'm glad Spain isn't too far and not off our maps cause Jordi lives there too. So we have another excuse to travel - must think positively about these departures. Our friend must have arrived in Turkey by now as well...the world just gets smaller and smaller.

wish me luck

thanks to the machinations of the Superwife, i am firmly booked for an interview for a job that actually might be worth my time. if/when i get it, i will be teaching adults creative writing on a part time basis...for part time money, i suppose - but it's the experience that counts.

(i like that - 'Superwife' - perhaps i will keep that)

i'm also trying to swallow the bile that rises whenever i think about the good times i'm about to miss with Mah Freends in tdot this week. i'm sad i wont get to have a Wing Tribal Council, or scarf a kebab on the Danforth, or be generally dum. next time, perhaps.

in spite of the Policy at the airline (and thanks to Supermotherinlaw) i AM going to get on a plane today. i hope i can get a pill to combat the effects of paranoia and stereotyping, much less nausea and sleeplessness. and i think the outbound movie is a tender coming of age story about a red haired girl from Newfoundland or something. with any luck, i'll pass out and wake up in Manchester, refreshed and ready to take on the world. (more likely, i'll be stumbling into the nearest coffee shop and asking them to replace my blood with espresso).

so, whether the jitters are caffienated or pure nerves, wish me luck!

if i were al pacino...

i'd use more bullets and swear words in order to get my point across to people like the woman at the airline who wasn't going to change my plane ticket because 'it's policy'.

and i am thinking of a suitably Scarfaced response, but can only pronounce 'well then, i guess i'll have to wait.'

Carlito would be ashamed of me. Cut me up with a chainsaw.

i mean, since when do the rules apply to ME? I thought I was the special case, the exception to the rule, able to slip through long queues with a single slide?

and if i don't change this ticket, it's possible that i lose an excellent opportunity back in the UK. because i won't make this interview for a teaching job. even though they could phone me, they are only willing to interview people who are in town - not people who leave the country for a couple of weeks to sort out some family issues. (note the rule about Nice Guys and where they finish).

and there's the kicker - my family (who have cost me a lot in the past) continue to cost me even after i have left them. if they weren't such fools, i might not be in this situation - far from my wife, sleepless, and frustrated about almost everything. but perhaps it's due, in part, to the suffocating amount of dogma spewing from each and every outlet of the media on this, the fifth anniversary of the Tragedy Everyone Saw On Television.

lest we forget, there's always reruns, i suppose.

kulcher studies: Swayze 101

Home again home again...I must be getting old - I just don't sleep anywhere as well as my own bed. But that does not take away from the wonderful time I had doing absolutely nothing at all at a friend's in Keighley last night. I overshot the train but Sue picked me up anyway (two stops along from where she was waiting!) and we visited with her sister, sister's husband and their two gorgeous boys, and Sue's parents. All of them - the salt of the earth.

Bottle of white, ice cream, couches and DVD later...we ended up having a Swayze-fest - unintentionally I swear! Dirty Dancing accompanied our gossiping - with many the comments thrown towards the telly as well (the blue cardigan! Johnny's preference for high-waisted pants - and why does he need to be half-naked to teach Baby how to dance? Guh-gung.). Then just as we were about to turn in, flicking innocently through the channels...Road House. Truly, one of the worst films ever made. Those of you who haven't seen it - and who enjoy a bit of kulcher - go rent now. The only redeeming factor - and he just can't save it - is Sam Elliot: what a voice. Like James Earl Jones in Field of Dreams, which made me love baseball (momentarily), Sam Elliot makes me believe that I really could get westerns. Back to the story: Road House features the single most bizarre conclusion I have ever seen - including 2001: A Space Odessey. It's almost worth it just for that - and for the fact that the Swayze can rip people's throats out with his bare hands. I think it might be an homage to Bruce Lee - a bad one, yes.

And I've realised that I didn't, in fact, put up two posts in one day...see what being alone does to me?

Thus, delightfully, concluded the Week From Hell - in which our heroine doubted herself, struggled, persevered, slept badly, and broke out in zits.

Oh yes, once again, my wonderful supervisor was wonderful. She did give me a minor bolloxing about letting her know what was going on with me in the future - and handing writing in on time. But overall, the meeting was great - she said she was enjoying my chapter!!

And so begins a new adventure in which our heroine, newly inspired by her own wrongfully-doubted intelligence, WILL write the rest of the chapter, WILL get a new membership at the gym, WILL struggle and persevere (and hopefully sleep better). And will also hopefully appease her very disgruntled cat...

By the way, the weather has turned! September might just be my favourite month ever...

What begins with V?

Just finished watching V For Vendetta - I know this is two posts in one day - yes, I am bored and Logan isn't holding up his end of the conversation very well...

Anyway, point being - I loved it. I'd get all abstract on all y'all but I've been typing for three days solid and my fingers are worn to the bone. Yes, it is obviously a Wachowski Bros. script but it is fan-bloody-tastic. No I haven't read the original graphic novel - but I shall hie me down to my local pusher and get me a copy ASAP. So very many things to squee about...I don't want to spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it so I'll give y'all a chance to rush straight out and see it. Natalie Portman's accent isn't great, but it's slight and I didn't really notice when it disappeared towards the end.

So now you've all seen it - such is the force of my e-enthusiasm - any comments?

A post for cam

Wish I was there! Though I suppose without my delicate female presence you and Nas can enjoy, unreservedly, the fights, crappy movies, and video games that Nas has missed so much! While I sit here - convinced that I am fooling myself about my choice of career and awaiting with mounting stress my meeting on Friday where I will receive a massive bolloxing from my wonderful, until-now patient supervisor.

Logan has been wandering around the house looking for Nasser all day - he's driving me nuts.

Nothing exciting to report. Am rather down today as I'm convinced that my project is crap, my writing is juvenile at best, and I don't have the foggiest clue how to engage critics. I think I may have to stay at Longleat when we go and accept the menial post of pooper-scooper in the rhino pens. Maybe I can work my way up to hippo-scratcher or turtle-herder. It's a far cry from lion-cub-cuddler, but hey, I'm ambitious.

Here is a picture of Logan and I hard at work on my pathetic thesis...

dear tony

so i have a new mac, and i love it. and i wanted to replace my PC laptop with a G4 ibook. so i surfed around on ebay and bid on a few, and lost every auction because i am too cheap to pay what they are worth, apparently.

enter tony.

tony emails me, telling me that the ibook that i lost has come up again, and he's offering it to ME for the insanely low price that i bid on it (about half of what they sell for online).

i think this is a gift from heaven.

until the emails start coing. he's asking me for information that he should already have, sending me links that don't work, and generally being illiterate and weird. the last email i sent him read:

'if you think i am stupid, reply to this email.'

he responded almost instantly.

*sigh*

people are a constant source of amazement to me.