thots on running

Why isn't progress a one-way street? Today my run was terrible - I couldn't find my rhythm, couldn't catch my breath, felt generally saggy and baggy - could feel every uneven surface from my soles through my feet knees hips and back. Nasser assures me that he feels the same - he's so good when I morph into a two-year-old in the middle or at the end of a run. I know I'm awful - I don't deserve such a great coach most days. I'd give up on me. In fact, that's likely part of the problem, I do give up on me too quickly.

Some days, I can run forever - like I used to run when I was little at school or just round the house playing by myself or tag with everyone. I used to love the 100m dash at our 'track and field' days. I hated the field part of the day - first off, they never let us to the fun stuff that I wanted to do from reading too many children's versions of Greek mythology: javelin, discus...for some reason, they did let us attempt the shot-put. I suppose a 11-year old isn't going to be able to throw that very hard. Surely though some major shoulder and back trauma could've happened?? Anyway all I liked was the 100m.

It was a solo sport - which was important as a shy, coltish kid - and the build-up, even in elementary school, was huge. There was always a crowd for the 100m. People knew who'd won the previous year; whether people were record contenders (ridiculous in elementary school!). Why is the 100m the crowning achievement? It's just fast. Now the 400m - that's a challenge. Fast and long. But I digress. I loved the 100m because I got anxious and when I got anxious my shoulders tense up, my chest constricts, my breath feels tight - nothing unique in this I know; in fact, it's kinda text-book anxiety. But to me, it feels as though every bit of energy in my body is bound in my ribcage and that if I don't let it out, I'll explode. Sometimes, even now, I have to go away from people and shake it out, or jump a bit, or hold my breath til the energy explodes behind my eyes in little fireworks. But in the 100m, I just let it burst through the starting line and running felt like dying. And dying was flying.

I didn't set any records - I don't even think I won. But I liked it.

I do love running but when it's a bad run - it's just awful. I'm likely just transferring stress from everything else - especially my research - and compounding it rather than letting the run pound it out.