This is thot

Sometimes, people make me warm and fuzzy inside. Sometimes, they make me feel bad for generally being cynical about the state of the world as it is and the future of humanity (what a prat! Do I really spend any time thinking about that? while sober?).

Downtown doing the groceries this morning and on the way home, we stopped at the best sweet shop in the city and bought our favourite chocolate - from an amazing Belgian artisanal company - and proceeded to the best comic store in the ENTIRE WORLD (I did think that before this morning). As is my wont, I immediately squealed as though the store were full of baby polar bears, put down my precious chocolate, and started reading from the counter display. The fellow who owns the store is fantastic and we've been patrons since moving here so he doesn't even raise an eyebrow at my performance - I established my cred long ago. Anyway, Nas found something new, we chatted with the owner about various books, browsed through their fantastic collection of small-press stuff and chapbooks, and left. Only about 30 minutes later did I realise that I was no longer in possession of my chocolate.

So I swore. And stomped around a bit. And hiked with our groceries all the way back to OK Comics. And as soon as I walked in lovely owner smiled and presented me with my chocolate bar. And the world was sunny again.

C'mon, I'm writing up my thesis - yes, this does count as really really making my day.

I forgot to mention that Nas cut my hair last week. I love it - and I've gotten more compliments than when I've spent £40.

Facebook: I'm increasingly ambivalent about Facebook. I still love it - it's brought me into contact with people I haven't seen in nearly 10 years; people that I wouldn't know how to find otherwise. At the same time, I wonder about the efficacy or point of 'reconnecting' virtually with people I met and grew fond of because of shared experiences, shared spaces and places - not simply e-letters exchanged because of a convenient new SNS. But then, I think good crap! what kind of a luddite/cynical isolationist am I? Maybe it's cause I'm just not very good at acquaintances; there are people on there that used to be big parts of my life - people that I thought I would be in touch with 'forever' - people who didn't disappear suddenly, but gradually. I just looked around one day and realised that they weren't there and any regret was because I hadn't noticed them leaving: I'd just felt the space where they'd been. And I suppose the older I get (hey, nearly 30! Wisdom speaking - pay attention) the more I'm afraid of giving with the same intensity that I threw into every relationship when I was young and boundless. These facebook-entries are haunted - not so much by memories, as by shades of fearlessness and youth. The casual 'hey, there you are! How've you been?' somehow thick with the intensity of the friendship-that-was. And I'm afraid of the things that I've forgotten, the people - including myselves - that I've left behind, because I don't know them anymore. So it's a risk I suppose; a chance to reconnect not only with old friends but with old selves, younger me-s that I insist are strangers now to this woman I've become.

But then I realise I want to be a part of this; I miss these people and I respond to this newness of old friends - this is how we are becoming and moving forward, by folding back on ourselves.